"Boats tonight?" was the two-word enabling text from Donkey Puncher staring at me in glowing temptation.

Or was it mockery.

Faced with the possibility of gambling, I don't get the "b-b-b-bet bet bet bet" dollar signs glazed in the eyes like Fred Flintstone, my reaction is more of dread. If there's such a thing as luck, I'm selling mine at a discount.

I really didn't need to go. I had no offers, which is usually what gets me out in the first place. For Vegas trips, I can't go for the free rooms anymore. It has to be free rooms plus a slot tournament or freeplay or gift or food.

I was still smarting from my last Vegas trip, and I had a bad run in online blackjack and pai-gow that I'd previously sworn off (and which I've sworn off again, which I truly think is the last time, at least for online).

But really, what else would I be doing?

My plan was to go see a live Rocky Horror-style screening of Showgirls ("She looks better than a 10-inch dick and you know it") at Music Box, then settle in for a marathon of SnGs.

But man, SnGs were already killing me. Three times I had AA vs. KK and lost all three -- King flop, runner straight, runner flush.

When asked why there are so many more bad beats online, the usual answer is you see many more hands online.

And that's true to an extent, it's just more obvious when the same situation is clumped together and you're knocked out on the bubble.

I expect to see AA against KK every 24 or so times (4 percent). I expect AA to lose every 5 or so times (20 percent).

(Strictly for pocket pair vs. pocket pair, I use 4 percent as a little rule of thumb -- at any full table, the probability of someone having a higher pocket pair is 4 percent per ranking... so if you have KK, there's one ranking higher for a 4 percent chance of someone having AA... if you have 1010, there're four rankings higher so there's a 16 percent of someone having JJ, QQ, KK, or AA... all very rough, of course, but written out that way, AA vs. KK isn't as uncommon as you might think... this is also why I toss low pairs early in tournaments -- early in blinds and position. Because they won't hold otherwise, I'm either flopping a set or flop-folding, and I'd much rather save those chips for better situations.)

If I'm figuring right, every 120 times I should see AA lose to KK.

It isn't out of the realm of randomness, but it's damn frustrating when I get into these unlucky situations.

One thing I might do is cascade tables instead of tiling. When cascading many tables, I never see the outcome and am not so results-oriented that could lead to tilt.

Enduring +EV poker bad beats is ultimately less enjoyable than enduring -EV slot losses, though.

I responded to DP's text.

This led to a long 7-hour evening of regret and depravity, otherwise known as gambling where there are no free drinks. It was also tied to not having any cell reception, being carded constantly and quizzed on my Nevada I.D. that I don't remember enough anymore that it's no longer instant recall and appears as if I'm making up the information, unfortunately having my PayPal debit card with me in addition to the regular debit card, as well as Vegas midnight coming at 2 a.m., meaning I could withdraw again from my regular debit.

Added to the pain was not sticking around for another 6 hours, when I could've picked up a free juicer as part of my weekly gift offer.

Not helping any was allergies came swarming through my sinuses, unhelped again by people smoking in my face. I would've been a snotty mess at the poker table or blackjack table, and slots don't care if you sneeze on them.

Went through a battery of games without hitting any bonuses. grubette's favorite Hot Hot Super Jackpot -- Mystical Fortune didn't give me a single bonus after $200. Tons of teasing respins though. Like many of the slots at the new $500 million Harrah's Horseshoe in Hammond, Indiana, the denom was nickel instead of the usual penny that I play, and all the Hot Hot Super Jackpots were 5x more expensive to play (meaning $1.50 minimum per spin vs. 30 cents and a max of $12.50 per spin vs. $2.50).

A similar bad run on Survivor, on which mamagrub turned $14 into $160 at Sunset Station in Vegas. Me, my first 30 spins were without any Spinning Streaks and hence, without any wins.

Even tried advantage playing Indiana Jones like mamagrub had seen the Cambodians do, but it was configured to a minimum bet of 25 lines instead of 1 line. If I wanted to try for the progressive, it would have to be for $1.25 a spin instead of a nickel a spin.

Games that I did win on were The Monkees, Diamond Queen, eBay (there isn't much to the game, but boy does that free spin bonus come up often), and video poker that doubled me up early on quad 3s in Double Double Bonus. But except for video poker, even those wins were no more than 40x, and I gave it all back.

I had a miserable time, and looking around the beautiful casino that didn't resemble any riverboat I'd seen before, I didn't see anyone else winning either (the view below is descending the escalator from the buffet).


While I expect to lose in slots, it's largely entertainment as long as I see the occasional win here and there to keep me coming back. With the wins few and far between, I don't want to come back.

Racked up a low amount of playthrough at 4x what I'd expect to lose. I definitely needed a bigger bankroll than three trips to the ATM would provide.

I did, however, enjoy hanging out at the Diamond Lounge (still the old one; the new one won't be ready until February). This was after losing my initial withdrawal at a relatively early 10:30 p.m. I drowned myself in two heavily buttered corn-on-the-cobs (corns-on-the-cob?), four pieces of fried chicken, two mini ham sandwiches, and a bowl of chicken dumpling soup.

When losing, I tend to tip more as an offering to the gambling gods, and my server Joy was overjoyed at my $5 tip that she offered me another free bottled water.

***
"White Castle?" DP said as we drove eastward on the Skyway of shame at 3:30 a.m.

The 24-hour McDonald's was closed.

From being down less than I was, he treated me to the #1 (four sliders, fries, Diet Coke). I put the four blue containers in my bag, and when I got home, discovered they were his delicious order of jalapeno, cheese, and onions.

That fueled me enough to play through the night and all Sunday on Full Tilt, winning back a large chunk of the slot losses.

Next time I'm at Horseshoe, it'll just be poker.

And heck, once I win back my losses I'm going to freakin' cash out and buy something.